June 2013
22 posts
I know you’re sleeping baby but I just woke right up. I’m gonna try writing about something. I have no idea how this is gonna the. Out but hey it’s happening. Alright so I started therapy. I’m not entirely okay with being in it but I need something. Though I am starting to think I should just pay you. But I didn’t realize how much I don’t actually say. Not just about big things but everything. I don’t talk about work, when I work out, when or what I draw. Nothing. I don’t give details. That’s not normal. Not to me it’s not but I never really noticed before. I’m not going to sit and pick apart everything I do but I just I don’t know In just wondering why you know. I want you to know about that stuff I really do. I just have to get in the habit of doing it. Ill figure it out baby. You’ll help me get there. I’m just a weirdo. I love you.
I was serious when I told Dean that I wasn’t going to be around if I didn’t have you. I’ve never felt that low in my life and I don’t think I ever came back from that. I just wanted something to go right for once and I thought I was doing such a good job and now I can see that I wasn’t doing the best. I guess I should have tried harder. I just wanted to fix us so badly that the group was the only physical thing I could do to show you that and now I don’t even have that. I just wanted to be good enough for you.I just don’t feel like I ever will be and I don’t know what else to do. I’m running out of answers and you’re running out of reasons to stay and I don’t blame you. I just wanna be enough but I don’t feel like I ever will be. I’m sorry that I’m not. I just wanna fade away some days because I’m so I don’t even know. I just wanna be good enough for someone. I’m so tired of fighting how I feel and battling this and I’m trying to hold it together and I’m a fucking mess. I just want it to stop.
this one is being deleted too so if you want anything from it then save it if not it’s gonna be gone in half an hour.
I just love you. I do. I love you more than anything.
I’m at the end of my rope. I don’t know what to do and what I do do is never enough. No matter what it’s never going to be. You can sit there and say I’m wrong but look where we are again tonight. I just don’t know how we’re gonna get through this. We still can’t communicate. I try and I either don’t say enough or at the wrong time or too much. I don’t know what you want. I feel like I’m going crazy and I don’t even know that you even wanna be with me anymore. I just don’t know what we’re doing. It doesn’t even feel like you’re gonna fight for this one.
And you’d still rather sit there with your pride than to just say it. and that hurts more than anything else.
I didn’t think an apology was too much to ask for. I’ve apologized to you for a lot of things. Not because I was sorry for what I said but because I was sorry I hurt you. Because your feelings matter more to me than being right or it making sense. Not everything is going to make sense and yes the way you said it made me feel like you were saying what I did wasn’t good enough. I shouldn’t have had to have explained that. But I guess I’m going to have to start explaining everything now. No problem. I’ll have a reason for feeling everything I do now.
I had a dream about us last night. You were laying in bed ad you were upset about something. I tried to get you to talk to me but the more I talked to you the more you got upset. I got up off the ground to go and you reached out and grabbed my hand and shook your head. You told me that I had to stay and make you feel better. So I climbed into bed with you and held you close to me. I kissed your forehead and said I love your forehead because it gives me somewhere to give you sweet kisses. I kissed your nose and told you I love your nose because it can smell me and when you get close to me and I can hear you breathing in my cologne it makes me happy. I kissed your lips, I’m in love with your lips because they give me all that I need in life, your voice and smile and they tell me they love me back. I kept kissing down your body, giving you a reason for why I loved that spot when I kissed it. By the time I got down to your toes I don’t think I’ve ever seen anyone smile at me like that. I know it was just a dream but it felt so real. I kissed each of your toes and told you I loved them because they allowed you to walk with me, so we could walk side by side for the rest of our lives. I’m going to do this one day to you baby. I think it’s very sweet and it’s the most perfect way I can think of to express just how much I really do love you. Because I do love you. So very, very much. I never thought I could be in love like this but you proved me wrong again again. I can’t even begin to describe how much better I feel with us. It just feels like everything is finally gonna go right. I know it is. I believe that with all my heart and soul. I love you so very much baby.
It’s four am on the day before our anniversary. Next month is the big one baby and look at us. I think we’re pretty fuckin impressive. I’m proud of our relationship. I’m so fucking proud of us. You’re a beautiful person and baby you’re amazing. We are amazing. I know it took a lot of serious ass kicking on your part but if it wasn’t for that I don’t think we would be as awesome as we are right now. We’re a work in progress and we always will be and I see absolutely nothing wrong with that in the least. I know what I need to work on and I’m actually taking a step back an thinking before I act or speak. Granted its been only a few days but just doing it for that long is actually making me feel better. I just needed an ass kicking. Thank you for giving it to me baby. I owe you so much for helping me as you have. I know you’ll say it’s because you love me but it means so much more to me than that and so do you. You’re my whole world baby. I love you.